NUSWhispers – Confession #98702

My boyfriend has a really really really hot female best friend. (AKA the girl that he tells me not to worry about) There was once, when he was in a gathering with his friends, his hot female bestie played and showed porn to everyone. There was no consent. My boyfriend felt extremely uncomfortable but he kept quiet as he was shy and didn’t dare to speak up. I was not present at the gathering. A little background of myself: I was diagnosed with PTSD last year. My trauma was related to sexual trauma. When I first found out about the porn incident from my boyfriend, I wasn’t affected yet as the triggers did not blow up back then. I shrugged the matter off. A few months later, my boyfriend started talking to me a lot about the vibrant sex life of his hot female bestie. Somehow, I just broke down immediately. I told him that she is really damn hot. I started to have flashbacks of the porn incident. Reflecting back on it, I felt damn uncomfortable. To me, when my partner watches porn with someone of the opposite gender, it is a crossing of boundaries. What’s more, he watched porn with the girl that he told me not to worry about. I was so afraid that my boyfriend may accidentally be turned on by his hot bestie, or fantasise about her. I started to have a lot of nightmares and flashbacks. The nightmares are uncomfortable to me as it’s about my boyfriend and his female bestie doing kinky sexual stuff together. Whenever I have such intrusive flashbacks and nightmares, I get so depressed and traumatised. I would cry the whole day. I lost all my self-confidence as well. At the same time, I felt super guilty for being affected by the porn incident only months after it occurred. I kept telling myself that “it’s his female bestie. Why should I worry? Why should I cry? It’s wrong to cry as it happened a while back.” I started blaming myself for being affected… after knowing that some ppl are okay with their partners watching porn with opposite gender friends. Is it wrong for me to be affected and cry only some time later? Is watching porn with friends normal and will you allow your partner to watch porn with ppl of opposite sex? Any advice?