NUSWhispers – Confession #46529

Hey, I'm choosing this method of getting in touch with you because i believe there is no simply no other way to do so. First, let me first apologize to you. I know that no amount of apologies i say would be enough to make you feel even the slightest bit better. However, i still must say. I am sorry for i did what i did, in Canada, in Japan and back in Singapore. So, what did i do? While the things i have told you previously are true, i did in fact hide certain facts from you. At this point of time, even though it is too late, i would like to own up to my own mistakes. I cheated on you while in Canada. I did what i know i should not have done with another man, away from you, and still claimed that i love you. It is also a fact that I slept with Nicholas. It was a conscious choice on my own. I did it because i thought i could contain it purely to my exchange, and i convinced myself that no one could see it, no one would find out and that everything would be the same when i came back to Singapore. I was immensely flattered that beyond you, i was still attractive to another man. Initially, i simply loved the attention he gave me. He was a good person who would always lend a helping hand to others and would go the extra mile just because he cares. Nicholas encouraged me to be loud and crazy. He wanted me to be. We feed off each other's energy. I always felt so safe and reliant on him. Slowly, i fell in love with his attention to details and how he was able to read me like a book. He showered me with concern and was always very straightforward with his compliments, his need of my attention and his love. Here comes the hard part: Nicholas and you are completely different individuals with extremely different personalities. I loved you for your quietness, your cool exterior and how you always looked like you knew what you were doing. You showed your concern for me in little ways that catches me by surprise at times. That being said, it was still true that it was always a struggle over your lack of initiative which many a times, ended up being the main reason of our fights. I was loud, and a little too loud for you at times as well which made me feel embarrassed and I feared of judgement. As you said, it might have progressed for the better over the years but having met Nicholas made me reconsidered if such compromise was what i really wanted. Before I knew it, it was too late. I fell in love with him and his drama. I left for Japan thinking that this was all just an exchange fling. I left for Japan, and I left for you. I thought I could come back to you and I thought I would and that there was no other way. If it was only so easy to lie to myself. We kept going back to each other, no matter how hard we tried. And at last, I made the decision to leave you. It was motivated by two reason. Firstly, I couldn’t bear looking at you in the eye. I know I have done you wrong. Secondly, I was in love with another man. I cannot look at you the same anymore. This decision was independent of whether or not I had Nicholas in the future, which is true because even when I knew that he was going to try and salvage things with his girlfriend, I did not come back to you. When I left, I told you clearly that I had already fallen for someone else and that I could not compromise any further. These were not lies. What I did wrong was not acknowledging that I had cheated and that I had done wrong. By hiding these, I only sought to protect you. I did not want you to know bad a woman you have kept by your side and how she done you wrong. The purpose of my email is to admit to my mistakes and to give you the closure that I owed you. I hope that, if you still have any questions, doubts or anything that you would want me to do or know, I am still able to meet you face to face, drop you a call or anything that you request. This would be valid till 18thFeb, and from that day onwards, I will have considered myself having explained sufficiently to you and I will move on, never to discuss this issue again. This email, and the information pertaining to it, is up to your discretion. If you feel the need to share with your friends, then go ahead; if you want to share with our friends, go ahead. I no longer have a right. Lastly, please know that, in that 4 years of relationship, I put in my efforts and poured in real feelings. My love for you was real. Please take care of yourself.