NUSWhispers – Confession #3672

I'm about to be a final year undergraduate. To many people in my life, I am just yet another NUS kid. What they don't know is that I am also a male escort. I have kept this part of my life secret to everyone including even my family. It started in my first year of university. I was waiting for a friend at a train station when a man in his late thirties approached me with an offer for an interview. I thought it was sleazy at first and didn't think much of it until a week later when I decided to drop in for a visit. There, he told me more about the job and the expectations he had of his escorts. I wasn't exactly attracted to the job but rather, the promise of material wealth (money and luxurious goods — think cars, gadgets, accommodation, etc) that came with it. Having come from a low-income family and from a secondary and JC where most of the kids who were in it were extremely rich, I wanted desperately to be them by any means necessary. Over the next six months, I was groomed to be a male escort. I was given a new wardrobe and overall, a new look. I went for private etiquette classes where I was taught to be a gentleman. I learned how to behave when I'm with my clients. More than that, I learned to be charming and charismatic, traits I never thought I had, especially with women. The grooming to be a male escort wasn't easy. Often, I was criticised by my agent if my physical appearances (including my body) wasn't "perfect" by their standards. The criticism took a huge toll on my confidence and self-esteem yet it also built an internal resistance to rejection. Within a year after my training, I had earned enough to pay for my degree and still live comfortably. My clientele consisted of mostly women between the ages of 35 and 50. A majority of them were married and had kids (some even my age) of their own. Others were single and weren't so lucky in finding a partner. There wasn't always a "fixed agenda" when these women hired me for my company. Sometimes, all they want is a company at formal events or dinners. Their husbands and kids had their own lives, and as a result, they felt lonely and neglected. I remembered a client hiring me for three hours simply to have dinner with her. She related to me her husband's infidelity outside of her marriage, how her kids had neglected her, and how her "friends" were just interested in her because of her status in society. I felt pity for her and remembered thinking myself that I hoped her story was never going to be mine. Most times though, they hired me for company and sex, something I, at first, felt conflicted with my values but became comfortable with over time. It was through my job as an escort that I explored my sexual side. Since I was young, I've always enjoyed being in control of people for my own gain, and with these women, in bed and out of it, I was often in control of them. Earlier I mentioned that a majority of my clientele were women. As I got more into the job, I began offering my time to gay men who were in sham marriages with their wives. These were men who were in high positions in their companies and in society. Don't get me wrong. I am straight and I love women. But the gay men paid much more by the hour in comparison. Money was the bottom-line for me. If they had it, I was more than willing to go the other way round. Funny thing though, most of these men weren't so much interested in emotional connection (unlike the women) than they were in the physical. Outside of my job, I've had a number of sexual partners (girls of my age). These were purely for casual fun. I've been unable to maintain a sustaining relationship due to the nature of my job and have never found a reason for it. Even sex, for me, has become transactional in every sense of the word. The reason why I'm writing in is because recently, I met this girl. She is, in all regards, average in looks, and but rich in wittiness, skin-deep beauty and personality. I asked her out on a date five months ago and things are going great for us. We are still in the stage of getting to know each other, but we both feel we connect well and fancy the other very much. When we were dating, I was still a male escort. At the beginning, I wasn't sure that we were going to be serious but it did. I have fallen in love with her in every way possible. I love the way she squints her eyes, I love the way she looks so thoughtful when we talk, I love that she works with kids, I love that she steals food from my plate and I love that she would travel two hours to get to my place with soup when I'm sick. Now that we are getting series, I've tendered my notice of resignation to my agent. I haven't had sex with her yet even though I would love to tear her pants off; I'm holding back for two reasons: (1) I want to treat her right because she deserves it and (2) I am afraid that she will not be able to accept my past if I told her. I've never... been in love before. I'm clueless as an evergreen when it comes to this. I'm excited and scared at the same time... I don't know if... she will love me if she knew. I don't want to start a relationship with her with a lie... but I can't bear the thought of losing her. Is this what love feels like? The uncertainty of it all? Fuck, I'm a mess now. Please don't judge me for my confession, I'm in a pretty vulnerable place now and don't have anyone else I feel comfortable telling this to. Even if I had someone to confide in, I wouldn't be able to due to certain legal liabilities (discretion is everything in this trade).