NUSWhispers – Confession #109486

I am the OP of #108746 / #108520 / #108825 Sharing my feelings with the OP of #108795 and #108838 felt very cathartic and I am really very thankful to have found that emotional support from such a wonderful person on this platform. Thank you very much for your support, especially when you were also going through something similar. I hope that you have found the courage and strength to put that chapter of your life behind you and move on with a fresh mind and heart. Always happy to lend a listening ear to you. This post is not to seek sympathy or pity, but just an avenue for me to express what I am feeling instead of just bottling it up. I'm sorry if anyone feels like this is dredging up the past from a long long time ago. While my encounter with her may have been fleeting and not even in real life, I for some reason still can't seem to completely let go and just live life as if it didn't even happen. Agreeably, it has been too long a time and I need to somehow find a way to let go, but I also feel like my feelings of graduating are accompanied by the thoughts of her. As the feeling of leaving university hits, I also start to feel like I am leaving behind unresolved feelings and unexplored questions that I may never ever have the chance to resolve ever in my life. It has been a long time since I initially wrote. Probably all this while, I have been living with the feeling that both her and I are students in the same university and hence, God willing, might bump into each other or cross paths with each other if we were fated to. However, now that I am leaving university, I feel like this is a chapter of my life that I haven't found the closure to, in comparison to my undergraduate studies, which has reached an end that I am happy with. I think it is the juxtaposition of these two different kinds of endings that dredges back memories of her, and reminds me how while my undergraduate days end with joy and anticipation for what's next, this other part of my life ended without any completeness and hence would always remind me of unexpressed thoughts and feelings that I may now never get the chance to express. Now that I have graduated, I feel like she also has a huge part to play in the person I've become after university. Yes, university life changes everyone as a person and everyone comes out differently compared to who they were before university, but I feel like she being a part of my university life for those couple of months created a chapter that was meant to stay in my life forever. Thoughts of her still do linger, and some times, I catch myself thinking about how life would be if we were still talking. Would we have met up? Would we be sharing life with each other? These thoughts do surface very occasionally, but I have learnt to deal with them and not let them affect what I am working on at that moment. I still find myself glancing over her photos and things she shared with me three years ago. When reflecting on both the achievements and the setbacks that I faced in my university life, I feel like her presence was there with me throughout, even after she cut herself off from my life two years ago. Looking back at the decisions I made and how I handled university life in these two years, I feel like she has been a presence in it all throughout, even though I was not obsessed and just thinking about her all the time. I have many a times during my university life strongly felt the urge to share my life stories with her, only when reality makes me realize that she is no longer around. If I had to find somebody to just talk to, rant, or share things with, she would have been the first person I would turn to, even today, if only I had the choice. I feel like right now I'm straddling between wanting to work towards erasing her completely from my mind and heart and also hoping that I will co incidentally bump into her some day some where to talk it all out with her. I feel like she will always have a permanent place in my heart and that will not change forever, even if the feelings are no longer of romance or partnership. I just hope that as life brings new experiences, I open myself to the idea of meeting new people and considering them as possible romantic partners, which I am struggling to right now. Just wanted to write this post to rant about my feelings.